Anger and Acceptance

self help books

We live in a society where we place certain priorities on emotions that are “better”.

As someone that usually enjoys JOY and PLAY I have realized upon my aging that these two words also involve other feelings. Sometimes in order to understand the depth of joy we have a counter of pain that has gifted us. Sometimes the ability to be present in the moment means we have also been swept up in disorder and chaos. To me, pill one is not without the other. Both are key, adiposity yet there are no rulebooks or handouts to handle raw, illness uncontrolled and messy feelings.

In my work with children, and with adults I see the parallel within wanting to understand each experience, yet anger and grief are so hard to be around or feel we tend to isolate and view it as a problem or an issue that has some way to band aid. I have stood in the fury of others too many times to count, and at first the visceral response in me took over. Do I fix? Can I make better? Should I take all responsibility in making this mine? How can this be done?

As a parent it is even bigger, because our kids anger triggers many years of our own suppressed or expressed relationship to it. It is not easy to witness it especially coming AT you, and not take that personal. Some days we can. Some days our day has already been so long that our bandwidth can only withhold so much. “Why are you so upset about this experience?” we say in our inside voice, whereas to them (our kids) it is bigger and usually more about an outlet to express something so deep that has nothing to do with the pizza being cold. Here is where we can play a part as parents to not only our kid’s relationships to expression, but to our own. Do we need it to stop? And why do we? If it involves harm to others or to us, of course there are boundaries, but what I am referring to is day to day expression. Feelings need to be let out.. Kids do not have (sometimes adults don’t either) the repertoire of navigating. It comes out over “small” things, yet to them it is an opening to finally FEEL.

Here lies the kicker. Anger is merely an expression. It does not last forever, unless (which I see time and time again) it is suppressed. If allowed, without taking it on as a personal attack or a means to fix, it can pass through like a gallstone. It may be painful during it, but after the fact it is gone, relieved, over.

Can we be okay in other’s anger? Can we realize that if we are a part that this is an important aspect of intimacy?

When anger shows up, it is there to allow us to heal it and express it.

Can we do this without harm to ourselves or others and see it as a growing opportunity. So often when someone is angry AT us, we want to defend, shut down, submit. We make it about US, yet in actuality, it is not. Someone else is having an experience that needs to be seen and heard. Saying sorry is a band-aid, showing up to it is a cure.

Anger is no different then joy. It is an experience and a feeling that needs to be recognized as a vital aspect of being alive and being with others. If heard and expressed without harm, it can build a bond that nothing can destroy. More importantly how we handle ourselves in our own anger is really where love comes into place. Do we hide? Do we drink? Do we self sabotage?

Can we hold our own feelings with compassion so we can find the gift in what anger is showing us?

Yes. We Can. Once we do this for ourselves. We can hold the space for others we love. This in no way means we can enable abuse or projection, but we can hold the space for the love we have for pain and understand as humans….

We all have no idea how to navigate it.

Navigate this pain within you first. And be that for yourself and others. Be best friends with your own emotional wheelhouse. And see how your life changes with what you accept and what you will not anymore outside of you.